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Here's the full posting: For fans of the messy breakup, a pretend girlfriend is just the trick. The scene: you're in bed with your soon-to-be ex, when Pretend barges in, yelling that she knew there was someone else and asking how you could throw away your four years together. Then she tosses a (pretend) engagement ring on your bed and storms out. For this you can probably get away with paying just $8, plus the cost of the pretend ring. Hiding your sordid past. Maybe you've just gotten out of the slammer, like the guy in Buffalo 66. Or maybe you just spent the last few years doing something he now recognizes vaguely creepy, like direct e-mail marketing, or debunking the moon landing, or working for therapy. Pretend girlfriend erases all that! In the fervor of your love, you took off to build houses together in Africa, returning just in time for your high school reunion/family Thanksgiving/court date. Doctored photos, presumably, cost extra. Lending a veneer of social acceptability. Homosexuality isn't the only thing a pretend girlfriend can hide. Maybe you're poly, but your family is Mormon. Or your real girlfriend is the heavily tattooed frontwoman of the band Dolls & Cunts, but you've been invited to tea with the Provost. Or your significant other fails to meet socially accepted beauty standards, and you and/or everyone you know is shallow. Of course, if you go too far down this road, you might have to put your pretend girlfriend on permanent retainer. She might have to become your pretend wife! And then you can enter politics.

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